How to Set Better Boundaries for Better Mental Health 🚧
Continuing from our last webinar on Burnout 🕯, 1 of the 3 game-changing strategies for reclaiming your spark is setting better boundaries🙅. So diving deep into this in our next webinar, empower yourself with the essential tools for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in both your personal and professional life. We joined Mila Ljudmila Arsenijevic (MSW RSW), founder of Toronto Therapy Practice, psychotherapist, and social worker, in this engaging online workshop dedicated to the art of boundaries.
04:23 🌟 Discover what boundaries are and the various types that exist.
19:24 🌟 Reflect on whether you truly know your own boundaries.
24:50 🌟 Explore boundary-crossing behaviours and how to handle them.
30:53 🌟 Gain valuable strategies to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
35:15 🌟 Dive into the concept of personal responsibility in relation to boundaries.
37:30 🌟 Jonah Hill case study, discussion, and Q&A.
49:49 🌟 Invitation to join a wellness retreat to dive deeper in Tulum Mexico 🌴 in 2024
What are boundaries?
I typically describe personal boundaries as a separation between two people. A boundary separates you from someone else helping you recognize that your feelings, thoughts, and actions are different than others and this separation means its okay for you to have your own feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and needs, rather than absorbing other people’s feelings or conforming to their beliefs.
Boundaries also differentiate what youre responsible for and what other people are responsible for. When there are healthy, appropriate boundaries, each person in a relationship takes responsibility for their own feelings and actions.
They allow you to define what is acceptable and healthy for you in your relationships. The boundaries you communicate and maintain can protect you both physically and psychologically. They can also safeguard your time and material possessions.
Everyone has different values, needs, and sensitivities, so the process of defining personal boundaries varies from person to person. Your boundaries will also change over the course of your life as you learn more about yourself, grow, and possibly shift your priorities.
Most people have a mix of different boundary types. For example, someone could have healthy boundaries at work, porous boundaries in
romantic relationships, and a mix of all three types with their family. One size does not fit all! The appropriateness of boundaries depends heavily on setting. What’s appropriate to say when you’re out with friends might not be appropriate when you’re at work. Some cultures have very different expectations when it comes to boundaries. For example, in some cultures it’s considered wildly inappropriate to express emotions. In other cultures it is expected to live in the same home as your parents from birth to death.
Rigid Boundaries: We might feel protected (especially if we have been through any type of trauma) when we set a rigid boundary without sharing more intimately about our feelings and needs. However, we are closed off to the other when we set a fixed limit — meaning that it’s difficult or nearly impossible for us to connect to others and to have others get close to us (emotionally, physically, etc.). This type of boundary makes it hard for others to understand our feelings and needs as little of ourselves is shared. We also may not be flexible enough to respond to the demands of others.
Porous Boundaries: When we have diffuse boundaries, we might have difficulties communicating and/or understanding our boundaries (maybe from how you were raised, difficult experiences with limits). With diffuse boundaries, our borders are foggy, unclear, and are not defined. This particular boundary is difficult in relationships because you most likely tend to internalize other people’s emotions or let intrusive arrows right into your inner world. It often leads to feelings of resentment, frustration, shame, or sadness (etc.).
Healthy Boundaries: When we have healthy boundaries, we can easily adapt to different situations in our relationships with others. Our boundaries are clear, healthy, and reflect our needs, desires, emotions, and sense of self worth. We are able to clearly communicate them and also accepting of others’ boundaries. We value our own opinions and understand that our differences are our magic. Those with healthy boundaries do not overshare or under-share personal information, and are able to find the right balance of being genuine and authentic, and connecting with others at a comfortable level for all. This type of boundary shows respect for ourselves as well as others.
Types of Boundaries
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries pertain to your body and physical space. Unless you set physical boundaries, some people will infringe on your personal space. That infringement could be anything from standing too close, to blowing smake in your personal space to physical assault. Unwelcome comments about your body also fall into the category.
There are many contrasting views regarding what kinds of physical proximity/touch are acceptable in various situations, but that doesn’t make your own views any less valid! You are entitled to your bodily autonomy and preferences, no matter what they are. For example you may not be comfortable with public displays of affection even if your partner is.
Emotional Boundaries
In order to establish emotional boundaries, you need to be in touch with your feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries require you to know where you end and your partner begins. If your partner is upset and you notice yourself sharing this feeling, a boundary might be needed.
Emotional boundaries have to do with being clear on what is and isn't yours to feel or fix. Your emotions and emotional well-being are within your control regardless of what is happening for the other person. These boundaries help us show empathy without absorbing the other person’s feelings.
At work, emotional boundaries can be played out when you listen to a peer's difficulties with their manager. An emotional boundary looks like not being obliged to also be mad at the manager or drawn into the other person’s frustration.
As a parent, emotional boundaries can mean not letting your own mood be contingent on the mood of your teenager. Even though you want them to be happy, you can separate yourself and have your own feelings. Another emotional boundary can be not getting upset when your partner doesn't follow you into a spiral of despair when watching the news.
Ultimately, emotional boundaries in relationships are about maintaining our individuality. We all have our own thoughts and feelings, and can care about each other without losing our sense of self.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries refer to your expectations around physical intimacy. What is and isn’t okay with you sexually. Boundaries around frequency, sexual comments, unwanted sexual touch, expectations around others involvement in your sex life, and what sexual acts are preferred and off limits should be discussed. Healthy sexual boundaries include mutual agreement, mutual consent, and an understanding of each other’s sexual limits and desires.
Intellectual Boundaries
Everyone has different beliefs, ideas, and values. Intellectual boundaries help us respect one another's different viewpoints. This is important so that you don’t expect people in your relationships to share all of your opinions or adopt all of your views. Even if you disagree with your coworkers or loved ones, you still need to be able to share your opinions and feelings.
This isn’t so much worrying about whether your opposing view hurts another person’s feelings. It’s more about respecting their right to hold their own opinions, whether about politics or a marketing strategy.
Intellectual boundaries can also help you feel more secure in holding your own opinions. Instead of trying to be liked by everyone by agreeing with them, you can remain true to yourself.
You may need intellectual boundaries if your differences lead to arguments and insults. Do you feel personally attacked or offended when the other person disagrees with you? Does the other party? Is it about any difference or just certain topics?
Reconsider why you or the other person feels so threatened. From there, establish intellectual boundaries that allow you both to feel your viewpoints are valued.
Time boundaries
For my busy clients, this is often the biggest area for potential improvement. We live in a society where productivity is a cherished value, and FOMO (runs rampant. In our attempt to “do it all,” we end up committing to far more than we really have time for.
Many people fail to set enough time boundaries, not realizing that they’re sabotaging themselves. They agree to work overtime without extra pay. They answer their mom’s “urgent” phone calls even at work. They agree to attend their company party, kid’s soccer tournament, and friend’s baby shower—all on the same weekend.
As a result, they end up feeling overwhelmed and burned out. They sacrifice their free time and self-care opportunities in an attempt to please everyone all the time. Setting time boundaries helps them allocate their availability in accordance with their own needs and values (rather than those of others).
Are people crossing my boundaries?
What are some clues that your boundaries are being crossed even if you never thought about it before?
Are there people in your life that make you feel irritated even with a small gesture and you find yourself why. For example, you are a mom to a newborn and have told your parent that you do not need their help with childcare. Yet they come over, give suggestions about parenting and even clean up (and reorganize) some of your living space. You find yourself feeling annoyed and irritated even though this person has come over and is providing help? It is because your boundary is being crossed despite good intentions!
Have you communicated to your manager that you do not appreciate being contacted on your personal phone outside of work hours yet he keeps texting and asking for updates with various projects after hours, on weekends and on your days off. You might feel resentful for doing unpaid work and easily irritated even if the text asks for minimal work.
Are you on a first date and the person is standing too close to you, touching you, hugging you and you find yourself recoiling. Your physical boundaries are likely getting crossed and you are feeling discomfort.
Boundary-crossing behaviours
In codependent relationships one person tends to take too much responsibility and the other too little.
Most of us want to help our friends and family members when theyre having a hard time and this is usually a good thing. However, if we have weak boundaries, were likely to feel responsible for other peoples feelings and problems making them our responsibility to solve — when, in fact, they arent our responsibility and they arent in our control. For example, Maria's partner struggles to pay his bills on time. Maria worries that he will get a bad credit rating or that he will have a service cut off. Maria offers to log into her partners banking and pay his bills. While this may prevent her partner having a negative financial repercussion in the short term, in the long term he is not taking responsibility for own finances and she will become more resentful about this dynamic overtime.
Sometimes people just don't know that you don't like something. In the case of Megan's mom a few slides before she may not know that her daughter doesn't appreciate her reorganizing her space as she cleans up. If Megan tells her mom once but she persists with same behaviour this will be repeatedly crossing boundaries.
If you tell a relative that your child has expressed that they don't want hugs and kisses and they insist that they've missed them and it's just one little hug, this is crossing your childs and your boundaries.
If you are trying to tell someone how you feel and they keep talking over you or changing the topic this is crossing your boundary.
If a male colleague tells another male colleague they don't appreciate the way they talk to them and the colleague being reprimanded starts imitating them with a mocking accent and rubbing their eyes to stimulate fake tears, this is not only crossing boundaries but disrespectful and harmful.
If you say that you are not interested in sex and someone is pressuring you to 'relax' or saying 'it will be fun' this is at best boundary crossing and at worst going into territory of sexual abuse.
How to set boundaries
You can work on setting a boundary like you can on any other skill. To start with you have to check in with yourself, how you feel, what your boundaries are and does it feel like a boundary is being crossed. Next, write out what your boundary is, how it is being crossed and what you want to tell the other person. You can even write out your fears and 'worst case scenarios' of how this conversation might go and how you would handle it. You can practice this with a trusted friend. If it is causing you a lot of anxiety and it feels insurmountable to do it might mean that it would be helpful to speak about this with a professional.
Letting someone know they crossed your boundaries
State how someone's behaviour is making you feel
Focus on how you feel not 'proving' your case
Get ready for other person to feel defensive and not see where you are coming from right away
If they are unable to get past that and engage in a conversation, be prepared to create some distance before attempting the conversation again
Give the other person time
Create rules and let the other person know what they are
Setting distance can mean imposing a consequence. Ie if person cant engage in a conversation about what you said, they are defensive or attacking you, you will leave the space. Whether this means going into a different room or going back home and meeting up with this person at a later time.
Rules are essentially what your boundary is. Ie. if you make negative comments about my appearance I will have to leave and I won't engage with you until I received an apology or confirmation that this won't happen again. Setting boundaries can be hard and it will feel difficult to follow through at times, especially in the beginning. Important thing is not to give up.
Personal Responsibility & Boundaries
Taking responsibility is empowering
Focusing on what YOU feel does not allow for a debate
Being intentional with your boundaries means you know yourself
Boundaries are NOT a set of rules you impose on others but the standard to which you hold YOURSELF
When you take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings it allows you to change a situation that may not feel right in some shape or form. If you are blaming others for how you feel then the power to change the situation is outside of your control and with that person.
If you tell someone how you feel vs what they are doing or not doing ( you make it about you and not them) this does not allow space for a debate. This person has a choice to respond to how you are feeling.
Thinking about your boundaries means understanding yourself, your patterns, attachment history and upbringing and being more conscious about the ways certain experiences affected you and how you want to respond to them.
Boundaries are about how you feel and what you need not about controlling others behaviours. Others always have a choice to respond to what you are saying which will inform the nature of your relationship. Of course this does not apply to any situations of abuse.
Jonah Hill Case Study
Do you think that this is setting a boundary?
This texts discussed what the other person should or should not do. While it does use the word boundaries nowhere does it say how these actions affected him or how he felt. What was it about these exactions that didn't feel good or align with what he wants in his partner?
Mental Wellness Retreat
One way to practice setting boundaries and improve your mental health is consider attending a wellness retreat.
For example, at the Healing Journey Retreats, I'm hosting a mental wellness retreat to help professionals and entrepreneurs manage stress and burnout with mindfulness and neuroscience. This retreat will take place in Tulum Mexico for 7 nights in January 2024, and it’s designed to help you reset, recharge, as you prioritize yourself and your mental well-being in the new year.
Imagine starting your days with optional yoga or stretching, delicious breakfast, followed by a group check-in, and insightful workshops such as this one and we'll jump into group discussions and share our stories. After lunch, we go on fun excursions like snorkeling with turtles, swimming in cenotes, exploring local sights, or relaxing by the pool or beach. After dinner we share stories by the fire, journal or paint together, or dance under the stars.
If you're saying to yourself, I'd love to go, I need something like this, I'm dropping the link to book a discovery call with me in the chat: https://calendly.com/healingjourneyretreats/30min
There is an early bird special starting at $2495 USD until the end of this month, as well as payment plans at no additional cost. The price is comparable to all-inclusive resorts in Mexico for 7 night 8 days and though flights are not included, we offer 4 excursions as well as mastermind discussions on neuroscience. This wellness retreat is a more mindful way of travel than just eating and drinking all day, so it’s really for those who want to do a little bit of work on themselves while still getting to relax. If you book a discovery call with me by the end of September, you'll get this early bird special rate.
In the future, Mila may be facilitating retreats like this as well, in both Canada and internationally, so be sure to sign up to our email newsletter to stay tuned!
