New Year’s Realizations
“Instead of New Year’s resolutions, let’s have some New Year’s realizations. Because nothing you attempt to change is going to stick if you remain stuck in your same old bullshit.”
2023 was the first and full year where I worked for myself, and on myself.
It was so difficult — the learning curve so steep, the growth so uncomfortable — that it felt like all I did was survive. And I did! 💪🏻😮💨
Even though I still haven’t quite fully embraced the identity of an “entrepreneur” yet, here are some lessons learned:
1. No health, no wealth.
Jefferson Forest (introduced by my friend Krista), these nature walks kept me going in Q4 2023.
When I didn’t take care of my physical and mental health, I spiralled and work halted. I wasn’t managing my resources (brain juice and time) properly, which caused yet another burnout, which really affected my ability to work.
Oct 10th was World Mental Health Day, the most relevant day of the year for my business — mental wellness retreats — and I did nothing. No social media posts, email newsletters, Reels, offers, nada. I had been back on antidepressants by then for a month, and waking up with severe anxiety every morning for three.
Seeing other businesses’ content around this time made me feel incompetent and behind. I know I should’ve been advocating, promoting, and staying relevant, but I had nothing left in me to do the work.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, because I thought it was a limiting belief (which to some extent it probably was/is) that: as someone with mental health struggles of depression and anxiety, I couldn’t keep up with the hustle culture of what entrepreneurship required to get a business off the ground at the pace that it normally takes.
I’ve attended some women entrepreneurship networks and events in 2023, and despite efforts like ‘permission to pause,’ almost every successful female entrepreneur has admitted that they’ve worked 100+ hours a week for weeks or months to get to where they are now.
Following the burn out, it took me months to reassess what my abilities are — given my limitations/boundaries — to figure out a new pace that was sustainable for me.
And accept that my pace was going to be different than others’.
And finally, that there are alternatives to the ‘prototype’ entrepreneurs, that there are different paths to climb a mountain, and that I’m not afraid to be seen trying.
2. Perfectionism kills.
Me in August, my worst month of 2023, forcing myself to be outside and doing physical activities to get out of depression.
Being a perfectionist kills momentum, action, and eventually, self esteem and confidence.
I’ve really had to learn to leave my identity as "a proud perfectionist” behind.
When I worked at corporate companies and series C startups, my mantra was: “good enough is not good enough” and I truly worked and lived this way. This mindset was encouraged because one of them was a design job. So tweaking the pixels and kernings became a daily routine and eventually, a habit.
I was also extremely indecisive, in both personal life and at work. Shopping was extremely exhausting, because I couldn’t decide between two colours or two sizes. For my business: from choosing one website domain name versus another, to rescheduling the retreat from January to April, I felt paralyzed by all of the what-if’s and the idea of things not being “good enough.”
Fight or flight, freeze or fawn, I was definitely frozen.
Somehow I thought the grass was greener on this entrepreneurial side: quit your job, feel the freedom, travel the world! And I couldn’t be more wrong. In a way I began to doubt if this “dream lifestyle” was something I could achieve (in a short time) and I couldn’t.
So I avoided:
feeling uncomfortable
being rejected
putting myself out there for judgement
potentially failing
And the result was inaction — I stopped doing sales & marketing for my business, then my self esteem and confidence also shrivelled up.
Later on, after some rest and refocus, I enrolled myself in a program that talked about Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It taught me about safety behaviours, ie. things people do as coping strategies when facing worries and anxieties. Two of which I do a lot; and to me, explained my indecisiveness:
Excessive Reassurance Seeking: asking others about decisions/choices you have to make, over and over again.
Eg. whether you should buy the shoes or the car, or go on the retreat or vacation.
Excessive Information Seeking: looking up a lot of info when you’re unsure about even small decisions or actions.
Eg. before making a purchase, looking up the item at several online stores, and then going to multiple stores in person to compare prices and quality.
Eg. reading all the reviews on several hotels before booking a room.
This is/was so me. And it was extremely insightful to gain this awareness for myself. It took a few months to learn, practice, and change my thought patterns around anxiety. The program also provides a counsellor to discuss learnings/challenges over the phone. To learn more about GAD, I highly recommend getting The Generalized Anxiety Disorder Workbook.
3. Fake Practice it till you make it.
In October I restarted gratitude journaling — to also replace phone/screen time before bed as a habit — finding tiny things to be grateful about each day. This improved my mood significantly after even just a couple weeks.
“Fake it till you make it” by Amy Cuddy was one of my favourite TED Talks from almost a decade ago.
The whole idea with ‘fake it till you make it’ is that you’re not yet X (let X be confident, empathetic, or a great marketer/salesperson), but by acting like you are already X, you’ll eventually truly become X.
But no matter how many power poses I held, my brain had an issue with the word “fake.” It really went against my core being. As someone who prioritizes authenticity, “faking” anything felt disingenuous.
Whereas the word “practice” aligns much better with my values, plus it sounds more positive. Going back to Carol Dweck’s growth mindset, I much prefer the concept of practicing something to get better at it once you know that your brain is capable of change.
For my business, I struggled with sales and marketing. Mostly with the discomfort of rejection, eg. when people tell me they can’t come to the retreat because they have young kids, the dates don’t work for them, they don’t have the money for it, or it’s not for them. Even though they’re all legitimate reasons, I wasn’t used to hearing no’s this frequently.
On the marketing end, I also struggled to find ways that resonated. The fact that Instagram started as a way to share photographic moments online and then became a full blown business marketing tool that requires paid freelancers/employees/teams to run is wild to me. And using ChatGPT/AI to efficiently churn out content for relevancy/algorithm, causing everyone else to do the same, snow balled into a knot of limiting belief in my mind. Then someone recommended Marketing for Hippies, which I liked a lot as an alternative.
Again I still haven’t fully figured out the sales and marketing strategies that match my comfort levels, but that’s another ‘practice it till you make it’ item. For now: I’m not where I want to be yet, but I can get there with practice.
So simply swapping the word “fake” with “practice” tricked my brain into being at peace with this concept, and made me more inclined to work on my goals in a way that felt comfortable for me.
4. Quality friendships are a privilege.
An example of my voice-note podcasts with a friend on WhatsApp.
This one is a bit hard to write. I lost my first pregnancy at 6 weeks. Even though statistically known miscarriages happen to 1 in 4 or 5 women, it’s rarely talked about openly. Just like mental health, it’s taboo and very much stigmatized.
On social media we see mostly the good news — someone posting the ultrasound picture, when a baby is born, when we get a house, travel somewhere nice, or get all dressed up. Even though depression happens to 1 in 4 people in a lifetime, we don’t see 25% of social media posts talking about it. Though I admit: it’d be pretty grim if we did.
Despite amazing resources like Flow, Peanut, Yoni Circle, ChatGPT and even TikTok, it still requires a village of support from the partner, families, friends, therapists and more. And I have the privilege of having this village.
One of the best ways to keep in touch with friends that I discovered in 2023 was doing these “asynchronous” calls — recording podcast-like voice messages on WhatsApp/Facebook Messenger to friends, allowing for listening and replying when convenient (usually on my leisure walks) — it’s really brilliant!
I did this with 5 or 7 or so friends, and after my loss, these messages were what healed me. I waited to listen to their replies on tough days when I needed support. And every day felt better than the day before because of them.
One of those special friends, Inge, said this to me that shocked my world:
“It’s a privilege that you shared the news with me and for me to be here for you.”
Wait what? And then my heart melted along with my face: 🥺🥹🥲😭. I must’ve done something right in life to deserve friendships like this. It’s my privilege to have amazing friends that got me through the roughest time of 2023.
Phew! That was a lot to unpack. 2023 was definitely a healing journey.
Hello 👋🏻 2024, let’s be kind ✨
What’s next?
I’m leaving for Tulum Mexico 🌴 in 2 weeks’ time! I can’t wait to feel the sun on my face and warm air in my lungs 😌
I’m headed there to 1) escape the winter and 2) to prep for my Tulum Mexico retreat, yes it’s still very much happening despite the struggles of 2023 😅
We’ve already got 3 participants who have signed up for the retreat! And if you’d like to meet them, gauge the vibe of each other, get a small taste of what the retreat is like, then join us on the next free Meet-up Circle:
Or if you’re still not sure, feel free to book a call with me to talk it out. If you’re ready to invest in your mental well-being this 2024, snatch your spot for the retreat and join us on the healing journey! 🫶
With love,
Anna
